The Struggle No One Sees

If you looked at me today, you might think, Man, it must be nice; she stays active and looks healthy. And some days, you would be right. Other days, my body seems to wake up and choose chaos.

My health has been a struggle for as long as I can remember. In elementary school, I passed out several times in front of my entire class. (How embarrassing!) At the time, we thought it was nerves or something similar.

Then it happened again in middle school. I remember having to run for PE, and I must have overdone it because I passed out while walking back afterward. (Yes, in front of the whole class again. Apparently, my body enjoys an audience.)

Eventually, passing out became a somewhat normal occurrence. It happened here and there, including once in the middle of Subway... in front of everyone, yet again. Embarrassing!

That is one of the hardest things about POTS: my body is strong until it suddenly isn’t. I can’t always tell when I’m approaching my breaking point until I have already crossed it.

POTS is also weird because I can go an entire year without experiencing many symptoms. Last year, I honestly thought I might have grown out of it. I hadn’t passed out in a long time, I could work out hard without much trouble, and heck, I was running 5Ks like they were nothing. Running a 5K was something I never imagined I would be able to do, and suddenly, there I was doing it regularly.

Then last October, my body basically said, Just kidding.

All my symptoms came back out of nowhere, and I ended up in the hospital with a super high heart rate. Since then, I have been slowly rebuilding my stamina and working toward getting back to where I was last year.

Thankfully, I am not passing out as much now, but that doesn’t mean the struggle has disappeared. Some days, I wake up with literally no energy. It feels like I’m getting a cold, except I’m not. It is more like my body is using every ounce of energy it has just to get me out of bed.

I can feel that way for months and then suddenly have a couple of great months. I never really know which version of my body I am going to get, and the constant ups and downs can be exhausting.

Alongside POTS, I also struggle with my thyroid. My body can gain weight whenever it feels like it, my lymph nodes swell and hurt, and sometimes I am tired for no obvious reason. It can be frustrating to look completely fine on the outside while feeling anything but fine on the inside.

Then there are my food allergies; honestly, the worst part of it all. I am allergic to shellfish, eggs, and all fruits and vegetables, which leaves me with a very short list of things I can safely eat.

Food allergies affect more than just what is on my plate. In group settings, they can make me feel left out. Everyone else gets to enjoy all this delicious food while I try to figure out whether there is even one thing I can safely eat. Needing a special meal also makes me stand out, which I hate. I have never been someone who wants extra attention, especially over something I didn’t choose.

It also makes getting all the nutrients my body needs much harder. So yes, all of this sounds awful... and honestly, parts of it really are. But I refuse to let any of it define me or decide how fully I get to live my life.

I work incredibly hard just to keep my body stable. When I see other college students my age partying, drinking, and doing crazy things with their bodies, I know I will probably never relate. I would never intentionally do anything that might throw my body even further out of whack. It already does a pretty good job of that on its own.

Because no one sees that side of my life, and I don’t always feel the need to explain it, I probably look boring sometimes. But quite honestly, the most important thing to me is taking care of myself and protecting my health.

I have also learned that the people who truly care about you will adapt. They won’t define you by your struggles, but they will understand that there may be much more happening inside your body than anyone can see.

Still, understanding my limitations does not mean allowing them to control my life.

This summer, I went to Europe for an entire month. I was terrified, to say the least, not because I was going without my family, but because I needed my body to cooperate while I was halfway across the world. (A small request, really.)

My biggest concern was my food allergies. How was I going to find safe food with language barriers, unfamiliar ingredients, and completely different cultural foods?

There were plenty of reasons I could have decided not to go. But I went anyway.

I faced my fear, and it became the trip of a lifetime.

I found food I could safely eat, and I found amazing friends who understood my struggles. They always looked out for me and helped find restaurants where there was at least one thing I could have. I learned how to manage my POTS, take care of myself, and still enjoy every second of this huge adventure.

That trip taught me that even though parts of my health suck, and sometimes genuinely hold me back, I don’t have to let them stop me from accomplishing my dreams, especially my dream of seeing the world.

It also reminded me that everyone is carrying something we may not be able to see. Some people are struggling with far more than I am, and I am grateful that my body still allows me to do everything it does, even when it has to fight harder than most.

I could spend my life resenting my body for everything it puts me through. Instead, I am learning to appreciate it for everything it continues to carry me through.

My body may be unpredictable, but it is also strong. It took me across Europe. It has carried me through 5Ks, hospital visits, exhausting months, incredible adventures, and more embarrassing public fainting incidents than I would prefer.

My struggles may be invisible, but so is much of my strength.